


Weak with Cider

by MoonDreamxo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abused Harry, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anorexia, Bulimia, Bullied Harry, Bullying, Child Abuse, Depressed Harry, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drugs, Eating Disorders, Family Secrets, Other, Secrets, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 08:27:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13853877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonDreamxo/pseuds/MoonDreamxo
Summary: Harry starts occlumency with Professor Snape. Harry always keeps up a mask, hiding from his past, from his future, and from himself. Will Harry survive the lessons or will his mask fall just in time for Snape to find out his secrets.Warning for: Bulimia, Child Abuse, alcohol/drug abuse, Self harm, Anorexia





	1. Chapter 1

Harry yawned as he stretched his arms above his head and gently rose so he was sitting in his bed. The luminosity of the room was dim and it was barely half 3 in the morning. But that's what it took to be a Quidditch player, he needed to be disciplined, fast, concentrated, and most importantly thin. 

Harrys stomach churned with hunger but he ignored it, if anything he was starting to enjoy it. That's all he deserved anyway, the only feelings he deserved was pain and hunger. Harry got out of bed one foot at a time, a shiver going down his spine as his legs hit the hard cold floor. 

Harry carefully put on his robes, pulling them over his slashes on his back, kindly gifted to him by Vernon. Harry was glad he was back at Hogwarts but things didn't feel different. They more or less, felt the same. 

Harry jogged quietly down to the Quidditch pitch, he knew he wasn't allowed outside until 6am but he really needed to exercise, to do something other then fill his head with nightmares. 

He opened his locker, pulling out a small notebook he wrote something. His handwriting was messy and danced across the page '78 hours without food' he had done a week before, not willingly as it was a punishment from Vernon. It helped him lose a few pounds though, which he was grateful for. He wasn't sure if it was physically possible but he was sure that he somehow gained weight over the holidays. That's what the reflection showed, anyway.

After just 30 minutes of running back and forth on the Quidditch pitch, he was starting to see stars. The darkness was consuming him and his lack of sleep or food was seemingly catching up with him. He slowly made his way back to the locker room, all his energy pushed into staying awake. 

Harry was halfway back to his common room before a snarling voice stopped him "Potter" the stranger drawled. Harry dizzily turned around, looking at the figure, his eyes were blurry but he could recongize that voice anywhere. Professor Snape.

"Yes, sir?" Harry asked. "Why are you roaming the halls like you own the castle? At 4am might I add" Snape spoke evenly. Harry couldn't think of a good excuse, and he wasn't going to tell Snape it was because he felt fat. He raced through his mind, searching for something, for anything to say but he couldn't think. It was like his mind wasn't working the way it was supposed to.

Snape sighed looking at the boy, and after getting no answer he was angry "Your just like your father, thinking you own everything, so arrogant so-" Snape was cut off by the sound of Harry's voice "My father was twice the man you'll ever be!" He shouted, despite his exhaustion. "10 points from Gryffindor" Snape drawled "I suggest you get back to your common room if you don't want me to take anymore from you" 

Harry's weak eyes pierced Snape's "What do you think I was doing?" He said annoyed stumbling over his feet, but quickly catching his balance. Snape walked closer to him, towering over the 15 year old "Don't be smart with me, boy" This caused Harry to shiver, at that moment Snape reminded him of Vernon. His eyes met the floor and memories of his uncle flooded his mind. 

Snape sighed and turned around first, walking away from the boy as he had other things he had to prepare for "5 more points taken off" he shouted behind him 'That will teach that spoilt brat' he thought to himself.

Harry groaned, the plague of exhaustion becoming too hard to bear. Harry quickly slipped into the nearby libary, and fell asleep on a chair. Haunted by nightmares he awoke 4 hours later, rushing to his first class. 

The rest of the day went pretty fast surprisingly, it was uneventful to say the least. Harry's last class was potions and he moaned at his luck. 

Harry checked his timetable. Potions didnt start for another hour and his friends, Ron and Hermione were grabbing some food. Harry had no interest in eating so he politely declined their invite. Now he was alone. 

Harry pulled out his waterbottle from his bag, which wasnt full of water and instead Gin. It wasn't his favourite alcohol but it was the cheapest in his town so he had it often. It was illegal even in the muggle world to drink at his age, but he was secretive and nobody knew. 

It had calories so Harry limited his alcohol intake, however he didn't consider it breaking his fast because it was liquid. 

Harry quickly finished the whole bottle and immediately felt better. He didn't drink enough to become drunk, but the smell on his breath was obvious. Once he reached the libary, he picked up the first book he saw "Top Ten Hexes" flipping through the pages, he came across a rather curious one.

"Diffindo" cutting/severing charm, some wizards use this to cut their enemies, rather painful if used right, it's all about wand control.

A disturbing thought entered Harry's mind. 'I could use this on myself, I deserve it' he thought. But quickly shook off the idea.

Harry quickly came to the realization this book was supposed to be in the restricted section and he slipped it under a book case before anybody saw him. 

'Diffindo' He kept thinking to himself as he walked to moaning myrtles bathroom. 

Dudley had come home one day last year, complaining about a girl in his class who was self harming. Vernon had explained to him that freaky kids did it to feel better when they were stressed or sad. Harry thought it was a weird thing to do, until now.

In this moment, he was more stressed then ever. He knew if he didn't pass potions then he couldn't become an auror. He was worthless and stupid. He was fat and would never make a good Quidditch player, he needed to be faster and thinner, that much was certain.

Harry locked the bathroom door and pulled out his wand, he tugged his shirt off and positioned his wand so the cut would appear somewhere between his ribcage and his chest. 'Diffindo' he spoke clearly, hoping it would work. Red bubbles started to appear in a line on his stomach and instead of crying or wincing he smiled. It felt good to be in control of the pain rather then Vernon. The cut wasn't deep but was gushing blood, Harry opened up the stall and walked over to the sink. 

He splashed water on it, and winced at the sting. Harry checked his watch and realised Potions class was starting in 5 minutes. Harry opened his bag "accio bandages" he wrapped the thin material around his chest 3 times before it run out. 

'Pathetic' he thought to himself, he was so fat that he could only wrap it 3 times. Harry slipped his shirt back on and enjoyed the pain of walking as he hurried to Potions.

"You're late Potter" Snape's menacing tone made everybody quiet and stare at the boy. "Sorry sir, I was held up" Snape dismissed him and pointed to a seat next to Malfoy "He's the last one left without a partner." Harry stopped, staring at the Slytherin prince. "Sit" Snape drawled. 

Harry walked over to him and sat awkwardly next to him "You better not make my grade go down. Everybody here knows your worthless at Potions" Draco glared while elbowing Harry in the chest. Harry flinched and showed obvious pain and Draco smiled "Feeling a bit weak, are we?" Harry emotionlessly looked over to Draco "Please. Can we just finish this?" Draco sighed, "Whatever you want, choosen one" 

The potions class went slow. Harry sat there doing nothing, watching Draco make the perfect potion. Its colour was dark purple, just like the book said. Snape, who unknown to Harry was watching the whole time. He walked over to them and looked at the potion "Well done, Draco" he sighed as he turned to Harry "Stay after class" he said as if almost bored.

The bell rang and everybody left, but Harry. His eyes stayed on the floor the whole time, the pain of his chest keeped him sane. He pretending that Draco didn't effect him but he did, small piercing words that hit him like knives. He wasn't confident, he wasn't strong, he didn't even care if Voldemort did kill him. It was all a mask.

"Potter" Snape walked over to him "Professor Dumbledore has asked me to give you occlumency lessons, to try and control your connection with You Know Who"

Harry looked up, his eyes meeting Snape's "I'm not getting in trouble for the potion?" He said confused. "I don't care whether you put the work in or not, it's your future" Snape said blankly.

Harry stayed silent for a bit "Do I have a choice about the lessons?"

Snape shook his head "Not if you wish to stay alive. Meet me here at 8pm sharp"

Harry nodded, more stressed then ever. He wasn't stupid and knew what occlumency was and he didn't want anybody inside his mind, especially not Snape. His mind was so dark, so twisted, so fucked up that he even hid memories from himself. Pushing them far, far back into his physce. 

He rushed out of the class and hurried to his common room, locking his room door as he knew Ron wouldn't be back for another hour. 

He pulled out his bag grabbing his alcohol, and curling himself into a ball. Silent sobs filled the room as he continued to drink, this time hoping to pass out. He found this was the best way to sleep. No nightmares. He pulled out his wand and did the same curse from earlier "Diffindo" giving his arm a sweet release of pain before he snuck into bed and slipped off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry awoke to the pain of this arm throbbing, he was sweating and his breath smelled of Gin. Harry pulled his arm Infront of his face and inspected it, obviously it was infected. Harry cursed himself for being so stupid, but he didn't have any time to fix it. The clock hung off the wall was sunk it's annoying noise into his mind, he had 5 minutes to get to occlumency or he didn't know what would happen. Maybe Snape would drag him out of his room, or out of the school. He wasn't clear, the only thing that was clear was that he had to go. 

Harry knocked on Snape's door, waiting for the familiar "Enter!" Harry opened the door, the creak making him shudder. Snape looked at him menacingly, ignoring his sickly apparence. "Your late" Harry looked at his feet, focusing on his shoelace "Sorry sir" he said flatley and Snape suddenly sped over to him "Trust me Potter, any cheek and you will regret it" Harry only nodded in return. The professor sighed, grabbing his wand "Clear your mind" he spoke clearly "Legilimens!" 

Suddenly terror hit Harry like a wave. Snape was sifting through memories. Harry getting his first wand, Harry being sorted into Gryffindor, Ron cheating in a exam. Snape stopped 'Ron cheating in a exam?!' he growled and continued, Harry's friends laughing round a fire. Snape was viewing Harry's loosley guarded memories, for which Harry was thankful for. 

Snape kept looking through his memories as if it was somehow a book, all the 'bad' memories put away, hidden somewhere. He had to admit he was somewhat impressed with Potter. He was about to leave his mind when he heard a dark curse "Diffindo'" Harry's mind was becoming weak, he begged Snape would leave before he saw something, Harry was about to pass out.

Snape however didn't leave, he followed the noise finding a memory, although blurred he made out the shapes. "Diffindo" the same curse again, in a bathroom. Snape couldn't make out anything else so he shifted through. 

Blackness. Nothing. Empty. Snape, who was shocked to say the least left his mind

Harry only noticed now, that he was panting on the floor and he quickly steadied himself, standing up. 

"Potter" Snape said worryingly. 

Harry's mind was still weak, he didn't need food, he didn't need it but oh how much he wanted it, he was about to pass out but he couldn't, not here. Harry tried his best to seem stable "Yes, sir?" Snape thought about his next words "What was that? What did I see?" 

Harry searched around for a exit, for somehow to escape but he saw none, he felt weak. His knees started to buckle, and unconcious he fell. 

Harry awoke on a couch in Snape's study, he looked around confused before the contents of last night settled into his brain. Snape came from around the corner holding a tray with a calming draught potion and a soup. Harry stared at the soup and shook his head "No thank you, sir I'm not hungry" Snape however insisted "You have to eat something with the calming drought so just be compliant" Harry thanked the professor and took the potion first before grabbing the soup and putting it on his knees. 

Snape sat in the sofa opposite him. "We need to talk" he said uneasily. Harry nooded his head as he began spooning a few mouthfuls of soup into his mouth. "How do you know about Diffindo? The memory was unclear to me" Harry thought quickly, "It's not my memory, it must've been from the Dark Lord" Snape nodded his head, it made sense. How would a 15 year old know about such a dark curse anyway. "I was impressed with your control over your memories" Snape said, oddly uncharacteristic of him "but you could use with alot of improvement" he sneered. '

"Can I go now?" Harry said in a smug voice, trying to play it off cool. "I've told you before and I'll tell you again. You will respect me" Snape's voice dangerously low. He didn't even know for a second why he thought Potter would use that curse, maybe because he did as a child. But Potter was , spoiled and a brat. He seemed to glow in his fame and his resemblance to James made him loath the boy. "Yes. You may go. Detention with me after class though and 5 points away from Gryffindor for snarky behaviour" 

Harry sped out of the room, annoyed at himself for eating. He rushed to moaning myrtles bathroom, sticking a finger down his throat to painfully vomit the small amount of soup he ate.   
Snape almost found out, he had to be on guard more, push him out, he had to do anything or else his secrets would reveal themselves. 

The carefully woven tangle of lies he created since he joined Hogwarts. His perfect family, his muggle friends, his spoiled riches would all crash down and everybody would see him for what he truly was. 

A pathetic freak.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so patient with me, when I first posted this I barely got 10 hits within the first week or two and I've been very busy lately. It's awesome to see you all like my work! 
> 
> I am not abandoning this and I will be active from now onward.

The upcoming night was just as dreadful as the previous. Harry had managed not to harm himself, but his thoughts had done a good enough job at it anyway. Nightmares filled his dreams, almost every one about his home life or Voldemort. 

Harry lazily climbed out of bed, his head piercing with pain. The hunger was unbearable, not in the way of pain but he physically felt sick, like he could vomit any second. But with no food in his body, he knew it wouldn't do any good. 

His slim physique shuddered as a sudden wave of cold air threatened to push him over. He quickly catched his balence and looked over at Ron's bed, making sure he was still sleeping. He cursed himself under his breath as he stretched his hands above his head to close the window.

Harry slid into a black oversized sweater, shoving a bottle of vodka in one pocket and a packet of cigarettes with a lighter in the other.

He needed to feel alive.

He lifted his hood over his head, pushing back his messy locks of hair. Tiptoeing out of the room, he released the breath he hadn't realised he was holding.

He was going to take his invisibility cloak but he didn't want to risk getting it confiscated. Plus, it was barely 4 in the morning, nobody would be awake. Perhaps, Snape but Harry doubted the potions master would be so stupid to not get enough sleep twice in a row. 

Harry stayed to the shadows, freezing at any noise. Harry climbed the stairs, making it to a open window. Harry pulled himself out of the window and he gripped hard onto the bricks that layered the top layer of the roof. He pulled his weight up, finding it increasingly difficult then last time. He sighed, coming to the conclusion he had gained. 

He let his legs dangle off the edge of the roof, he knew one wrong move and he would fall to his death. Harry never saw death as a bad thing, a endless release of pain, nobody expecting you to be who you aren't, infinite peace. Sounded good to him.

Harry pulled out his bottle of vodka, drinking it straight from the bottle. His alcohol limit was high and he had almost drunk the whole bottle without it effecting him.

His stomach had settled but was now releasing sharp volts of hunger pangs into his chest. With shaky fingers he pulled out a cigarette and lit it swiftly.

Harry dragged in a deep pull from his cigarette. He held it in for a second before releasing a cloud of smoke into the frosty, wintry air. The exhaled smoke swirled around wildly for a second before calming and dispersing. He leaned back and stared up at the sky, it was a beautiful black blanket, with holes cut into it, showing parts of a beautiful white creature who shined through. 

Maybe he was drunk. 

He didn't care, thats the reason why he brought the vodka, in hopes for more pain. Hangovers were what he deserved. 

He brought the cigarette to his wrist, pressing it down hard causing it to burn. After holding it in place for 10 seconds Harry was surprised by the amount of pain it caused him. 

He was numb, he felt nothing, he was nothing. Harry lifted it away from his skin, and firmly placed it down again on a different spot, this time harder. That's when he felt it, his skin burning, the smell of burnt toast it ached, it pained him but he knew how much he needed this. He allowed it to stay there for 5 seconds before pulling it away and taking a long puff in of the smoke. 

His lips curled into a smile. He felt better, not just about himself but about life. Everything was under his control. 

Suddenly Harry heard something, somebody was watching him through the window. Harry quickly ditched his vodka in the drain pipes that ran along the side of the roof and he coughed away the smoke, waving his hands in the air to make it disintegrate.

"Potter" the voice drawled angrily, Harry gulped, pulling down his long sleeves and carefully placing his ciggerate packet in the drain aswell. 'what a waste of money' he thought to himself. 

"Potter" the voice said again, but louder "Get inside now you arrogant boy" fear plagued Harry when he released it was Snape. Harry lifted his hood over his head again and carefully climbed inside through the window. "Yes sir" he said quietly. 

Snape could smell the alcohol on his breath, and he clearly saw a cloud of smoke around Harry when he caught him. Snapes violent eyes pierced into Harry's soul "Who's up there with you?" he glared. Harry shook his head trying to concentrate "Nobody sir" he replied, looking at his feet. "So you expect me to believe that the famous Harry Potter was on the roof having a good time with illegal substances by himself?" He sneered at the child. 

"I wasn't doing anything! I was just looking at the stars" his voice leveling out to a normal volume. "I'm sure you were" Snape drawled sarcastically. He pointed his wand outside "accio student" he sighed, if there was a student out there that would've worked. Now he had to deal with the boy. 

Actually, Snape didn't know what he saw and his sense of smell was falling him to his old age. He hoped that this tactic would work though, pretending like you saw what happened to make the abnoxious child fess out. 

Snape then realised how sick Harry looked, his eyes were sunken in with dark circles around them, his cheek bones stuck out boldly like knives and his jumper was baggy, even his robes that he was wearing underneath were baggy despite it being the smallest size they had at the school.

Harry was nervous, Snape wasn't speaking only observing him, towering over him like he was ready to attack him at any second. He didn't feel well, he had been standing for almost 10 minutes and he felt like he was going to faint. 

Snape quickly snapped out of his zone and begain talking to Harry "You don't own this castle, you can't just get away with everything you want. I will not allow another James to run about this school as he pleases, so you will tell me why you were up there or I'll have no choice but to inform Professor Dumbledore" he spoke evenly, his threat true as he remembered his own childhood memories of James. 

"Please don't" Harry said in urgent desire to escape. "Potter has come so low as to beg, now has he?" Snape sneered. That's when it happened a gush of wind knocked Harry over and he fell into Snapes arms. "Get a hold of yourself Potter" he said in disgust as he held onto Harry's wrists trying to pull him off him.

Harry winced in pain and without thinking he let words escape his mouth "Please don't touch my wrist" 

Snape was shocked but didn't let go, Harry's drunken state letting emotions run wild, tears dripped down his face, this was the first time he let himself feel, the first time he released his emotions healthily, it felt good but he wouldn't remember it. 

Slowly but surely, the darkness came and Harry passed out leaving a confused Snape and a very weak boy.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for all the kudos! I'm a bit disappointmented that I got no comments but I'm going to continue anyway.


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